i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I pour the whiskey from now on
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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