can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
