dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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