you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
