Your face is a jimmy john
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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