why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
