I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
