the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
