I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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