My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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