so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
