so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
