Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
