I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just threw up on my dentist
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
