u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
