We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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