My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
