i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
