The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
my liver is dry heaving
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
