He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
