so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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