What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
