Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
