How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
