Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
