when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
