I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
