making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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