my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
