i wish semen tasted like chocolate
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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