If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
