Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
