that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
