I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
