wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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