my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
