see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
