If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
