Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
