remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
