The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
