i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
