ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
