his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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