My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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