I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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