Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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