I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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