I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just pee around me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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