I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
