traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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