You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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