ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize