then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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