I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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