Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
