Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
