I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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